ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
this just has baby written all over it
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
