the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
