a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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