I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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