You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
