Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
