david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
