So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
