Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
