I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
