Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
