I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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