my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
