I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
