Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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