So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
