one two three fourrrrnication!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
