mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Too much gin, very little bucket
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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