So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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