someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
