Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE