I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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