Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
