If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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