Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
