omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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