Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
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Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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