Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The uberlube is also flammable
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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