according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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