some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
