the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
