I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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