i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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