dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
