It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
