So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
