dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
