her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
