I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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