My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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