Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The air was thick with penises
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My dick has a subreddit
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
