And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
