My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
