Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
