I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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