Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
