the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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