I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
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watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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