Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
