i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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