I wish my penis had an off switch
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
