note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
