the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
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I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I wish there were birth control emojis
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Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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