i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
