Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
