he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
then he tried to convert me to islam
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
