At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
