when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
