a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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